Dima Zicer: "Don't make your child stressed when they don't need to be" - why moving with a child is different. Luxtoday exclusive

Buy your tickets for Dima Zicer's performance on the official event page: lecture on 7 March and lecture on 8 March.

—  Luxembourg is a country of expats. Children come here to join their parents and find themselves in a new language environment. How can you help your child cope with the stress of moving?

— First of all, you don't have to invent difficulties for your child and decide what they need help with. It is important to let them express themselves when something is difficult. That is the first thing.

Secondly, they don't always need help. There are different types of schools in Luxembourg, and there are many good ones where the child can adapt on his or her own. If you don't make it difficult for them, it won't be difficult for them.

It's a different place for the parents too, isn't it? So if we are a family, we solve problems together, we talk about them, we support each other, we understand what new joys we have from being in a new place. We start to love this place, to develop it together.

—  So it's possible to organise moving so that the child doesn't get stressed at all?

— Yes, of course. If the parents do not force the child to move and the move is a joint family decision, there will be no stress.

Stress doesn't come from moving. Stress comes from violence. Stress comes from mum and dad saying: 'From tomorrow we are going to live in a new place, in a new flat, you are going to go to a new school, you are going to have new friends'. This is the kind of thing that would stress both adults and children. But if the decision has been made together, the child understands why it is necessary and is involved in the process, there will be no stress.

—  Don't you think that 'joint decision' is a bit of a trick? Would a parent who has been offered a job in another country, for example, consult their child? And if the child objects, what? Turn down the job?

— First of all, a child is not a suitcase. They are a member of the family, not just an object to be transported. So the decision to move should be a family decision, not just a parental one.

Secondly, of course, the child's opinion should be listened to. This doesn't mean that the parent should completely adapt his or her life to the child's wishes. But the child should be involved in the overall decision.

Let's imagine the situation where the husband says, 'Look, we have to move' and the wife says, 'I don't want to'. What will they do?

—  Find a compromise.

— Of course. That's what we're looking for. We're looking for a win-win situation. We're trying to find something that benefits not only the man, but the woman as well. We're looking for reasons why we should go there. What's going to be there that maybe wasn't there before? And it has to be something cool, something interesting.

Source: zicerino.com

—  There is a lot of talk among expats about preserving the 'cultural code', the native traditions. And there are two alternatives:

1. Parents artificially create a 'mini-homeland' - putting on old films, insisting on learning the 'native' language, shielding the child from the new environment.

2. Parents integrate the child as quickly as possible - take them to local language clubs only, limit contact with countrymen.

Which is the right way?

— There is a catch in the question itself. A child is not an object to be 'immersed' or 'fenced in'. I would like to reiterate that a child ideally enrols in sections, goes to clubs, listens to music and so on.

As for the cultural code, it is born in the family. It cannot be instilled. It is simply impossible. A person still perceives the models in which his closest relatives live.

Let's imagine that the parents watch some films in one language, in one system of coordinates, and the child is given other films. They will achieve nothing except a total split personality. Then, at a certain age, the child will say to the parents, 'Go to heck', and start speaking a completely different language. Because it is impossible to live like that, there will be very, very strong resistance.

If you don't do that, you don't have to worry. You are in a new country, you slowly get to know it, grow into it. And if, for example, your family speaks Russian, but at the same time you have guests in your house who speak Luxembourgish, and you watch films not according to language, but according to their cultural value for you, then I think the situation will be very calm and even close to ideal.

—  Many expat children attend two schools at the same time after moving: a local school and an online school in their mother tongue, with the aim of obtaining a certificate from their home country. Is this a plus for the child and the opportunity to learn the curriculum in their mother tongue, or a minus?

—  Definitely a minus. Parents are not letting the child grow into the culture we are talking about, because it is as if they are sending a double signal. On the one hand, we live here, and on the other hand, don't think about growing here, because there is a chance that you will be torn out of here and taken back.

In addition, when we talk about Luxembourg, Luxembourg has a good education. I will speak for myself: I don't know all the schools, but on average the education is good, the schools are good. What is the idea of a person staying in some other school, virtual or not virtual? It doesn't make sense. So I would categorically say no to this kind of dual education.

—  What if the child wants to learn this way?

— Then you're welcome. But this is a rare situation, believe me. Most teenagers do not make that kind of decision. I'm trying to remember now... I have thousands, if not tens of thousands of cases. And not one of them.

—  What do you do when a child feels like a stranger in a new environment? How can you help them?

— First of all, try to understand what it means. Because 'feeling out of place' is different for different people. For example, if a child has some friends that he wants to make friends with, but they do not want to. Then you can call these children to visit them. And so on, depending on the situation. But the main principle is not to do it by force.

—  What about the feeling commonly referred to as loss of identity? When you no longer feel part of the old place, but you don't feel part of the new place?

— You have to help yourself to become attached to the new place. Both adults and children. You have to find those hooks and floats in that country. If we have moved from one country to another, we have to find what we have moved for.

'Dad has to work' is not a good enough answer. Maybe for the ice cream that wasn't there. Maybe for the view. Maybe for the weather. You know, it helps you identify and feel grounded.

— In Europe, the attitude towards alcohol and drugs is, let's say, more lenient than in the former CIS countries. In Luxembourg, 16-year-olds can buy wine and beer. How do parents talk to their children about these things, and do they have the right to impose stricter bans than the state?

— Of course, parents have the right to impose bans. But this ban will not work. A person is 17 years old, what will you tell him? If my dad bangs his fist on the table and says: 'You will not buy beer', the first thing I will do is run and buy that beer to prove to my dad that he is not the master of the house.

The attitude to alcohol is part of the family culture. It is very rare for there to be a moderate cultural attitude towards alcohol in the house and for the child to start drinking everything that is not nailed down at the age of 16. It is an extremely rare situation, and more often than not it is due to a problem other than the alcohol laws in the country.

The mere fact that alcohol is sold in shops does not make you an alcoholic. The fact that it's available doesn't automatically mean I'm going to take it. It's the family culture that decides, it's something that is slowly built up from childhood.

— Is it possible to spoil a child with a high standard of living? Luxembourg is usually at the top of all rankings, not only in terms of the cost of living, but also in terms of the quality of life and the availability of various benefits that a child may start to take for granted. Is this good or bad?

— It is possible not to spoil, but to spoil everything by comparison. Because a high standard of living - what is that? It's a level in comparison with something.

As soon as the comparison starts, as soon as it becomes a source of pride for the parents: I live better than my neighbours, I live better than someone else - that is when the worm starts to undermine.

Ask yourself a question: do I know how to use my high standard of living? Do I not boast about it, do I help others? Do I understand how I can use this high standard of living to make the world a better place, not just for me, but for others? If so, that's great, I think that's great. I can only congratulate you.

Good jeans alone cannot ruin a person. Neither can bad jeans. But if I wear these jeans to rub someone's nose in it, then there's something rotten in me. A child can't think of that. It's out of the question. If a child starts to think like that, it's because adults have made him think like that. So it's not us who spoil him, it's us.

—  If you had to move to Luxembourg with children of different ages, say 5 and 15, what would be the first thing you would do?

— The first thing I would do, together with all the members of my family, whatever their age, would be to look for the highs, pardon the expression. The highs. Look for why we can have a good time here. What is there here that we didn't have in the last country? On the plus side, not the minus side.

I would immediately start looking for different paths we could take. Sidewalks, alleys and so on. I would definitely not transfer the routine I had to the new country. I would start a different routine. Here we have a tradition now that on Thursdays we go to the market in the central square or some square and we buy a certain cheese that we happened to try and we really liked it.

And then we go home. And at home we set the table and put a dish of cheese and berries in the middle. Or we'll sit around the table and discuss what we're going to buy next week.

It's a positive routine. A new one. One that helps us to separate our past and present lives.