The psychology of immigration: what crises do expats face in Luxembourg?
Interview with a psychologist about psychological crises when moving to Luxembourg: adaptation, identity, career, relationships and life as a "following spouse".
In general, I based my research on this topic — relocation and its difficulties — but narrowed it down slightly to spouses who relocate to follow their partners. The final version is titled: Perceived well-being and adjustment of expatriate spouses in a multicultural environment.
Who are trailing spouses?
I chose this topic also because no one else is studying it, and it is very interesting. I myself fall into this category, so it was worth looking into the issue, if only to better understand the processes that are happening to me.
Trailing spouses are spouses (wives or husbands) who follow their partners. This is a huge sacrifice and a huge change for a person, especially if they were working and had a career.
When a person suddenly changes their environment, their self-identity changes. First, they try to understand this environment, then they try to redefine themselves within it. They once had answers to the question "who am I" when they lived in the country where they were born and raised, and these answers shaped their entire life.
Those who come for work actually have it easier. They have a support network: a schedule, a routine, social contacts at work, they know why they came, they have a goal, an interesting activity that they did before and continue to do now. And most importantly, they don't need to come up with activities to keep themselves occupied so they don't sit at home alone all day! Unlike their partners.
How important is the perception of a country?
This is extremely important. We are now talking about expectations and how much these expectations coincide with reality. Let's consider two examples:
There is a person who has, say, a brother living in Luxembourg.
Another person knows nothing about Luxembourg or knows only from online sources, which may be unreliable or outdated.
Of course, a person's personality also plays a very important role here. There are those who do not make any plans at all when moving or have low expectations. Or they easily cope with the shock when expectations do not match reality.
When I moved here, I knew nothing about Luxembourg. Back then, there was little information available, but now there is much more, even in Russian (We're trying! — ed.). Of course, I understood that it was great, but it's not always as it's sometimes described: there are downsides everywhere, even in the most beautiful country. That made it a little easier for me because I was able to bring my expectations closer to reality.
And of course, when you come to a country and you like it, you fall in love with it, then it's much easier to adapt. When you come and think, "Damn, what kind of village is this? There's nothing to do here," then you really won't have anything to do.
In general, the desire to explore the country is extremely important. In this regard, people who moved just before COVID were very unlucky. Since strict lockdowns were introduced in Europe, it was almost impossible to build social connections. In some places, the restrictions were very severe, with people not even allowed to go for walks.
Luxembourg was lucky — there was no such ban here, and people devoted their time to exploring the country. I know of many examples of young people travelling through forests, visiting other cities, and going hiking. This really helps them adapt.
What to do with your career
Career is another important factor that affects one's psychological and emotional state. As I have already mentioned, it is straightforward for those who come for work.
Those who come to join their husbands and wives find it difficult to find work.
Especially if they are from a third country, i.e. not from the EU. In this case, they will have to go through the same procedure to obtain a permit as their spouses. And this can be very slow.
Of course, if you are an IT specialist or another highly sought-after professional, the situation is simpler, but there are some professions where "getting a job" sounds like an unrealistic plan. For example, it is extremely difficult to find work as a teacher here.
As a result, many find their careers falling apart. The question is whether you will try to save it.
I have a case study of one participant in my research who worked as a lawyer, then moved to Luxembourg, learned French, retrained as a lawyer and now works, and has even opened her own firm.
You can completely change your career. I know of such cases, and the people who did so are absolutely happy, which is surprising.
There were, of course, cases when people changed careers, which did not bring them much pleasure, but it was a job that brought in money and helped to solve at least the basic question of survival.
And, of course, there are people who choose not to work, to remain in the role of mother or simply housewife.
It is worth mentioning that men find career problems much more difficult to cope with than women. If they are unable to work, it is much more painful for their self-identity.
Self-identification and self-esteem are not the same thing. The former answers the question "Who am I?", while the latter answers the question "What am I like?". Self-identification is much more important than self-esteem.
The issue of self-identification is acute for all expats. But it is especially painful for those who have followed someone else and have to find themselves from scratch.
What to do about relationships
Relationships go through a crisis when moving. This is particularly acute when both spouses were working. Now one of them becomes completely dependent on the other financially and in terms of documentation, since their presence in the country is conditional on marriage.
This can change the dynamics of the relationship. Since everyone adapts differently, there can be a lot of misunderstanding between partners. At the same time, adaptation, although it varies in pace, remains a very intense process. People receive a lot of new information, because many things in a new country do not work the way they are used to. Sometimes, because of this, there is almost no energy left to listen to your partner and talk to them.
There are two possible scenarios:
The crisis and the process of adaptation help the couple grow closer.
Crisis and adaptation lead the couple to divorce
There are no accurate statistics on this parameter, but there is an interesting observation. Every year, the number of divorces in Luxembourg exceeds the number of weddings. This is precisely because people arrive already married and get divorced in the Grand Duchy.
Who is best to form social connections with?
Building social connections is always a very important topic. But here we see an interesting pattern: expats tend to hang out with other expats. They don't necessarily have to be from the same country; the main thing is that, just like you, they came from somewhere else.
Finding a Luxembourger and becoming friends with them is a difficult task. As a rule, people who were born and raised in the country have already formed their social circle. Why would they want to expand it to include foreigners who often don't even speak their language?
This kind of social interaction among expats creates problems.
Firstly, it hinders their integration. They are completely isolated from the local culture and do not try to blend in. Or they try, but they fail.
Secondly, expats face the risk that their new friends may leave at any moment. This happens quite often, and it is very painful. For example, you arrive in another country, break off almost all contact with your past life, start building new relationships, and everything seems fine, but then suddenly — it's all over. Your new friend says, "Sorry, I'm leaving, I got a promotion/another job/I'm tired of Luxembourg."
Now I will have to look for new contacts and rebuild my social network. It's hard, it takes a long time, and it causes additional frustration and stress, which I also have to deal with.
But there is also a big plus here. After all, other expats know what you are going through and how you feel. They can support you, listen to you or help you with advice. That is also very important.
Another very important aspect, which is one of the key issues in Luxembourg, but not only there, is language.
How important is the language of the country you live in?
If you move to a country but only speak your native language, and that language is not English, you will have a very difficult time. Especially in terms of social interaction.
You won't have the opportunity we talked about earlier — to broaden your horizons. Because Luxembourg is truly a unique place. There are more foreigners here than in any other country in the world. If you want to build relationships, it's crucial to know at least English.
English is not as useful for integrating into the culture, although it can also help. Here, of course, it is better to speak one of the official languages. It is best to start with French. Ideally, you should also learn Luxembourgish. German is not as popular, even though it is the official language.
Learning a language in itself becomes an adaptation technique. It turns into a kind of ritual that also helps to structure time and avoid falling into depression. As one of the participants in my study said, "INL (Institute of Foreign Languages — ed.) is like a church for expats, who go there every week to learn the language."
Going there is also useful because you are not alone. You often work in pairs, threes, or fours, and you get to know people and form a social circle.
How to cope with crises
Crises that arise when moving are inevitable. However, they can be overcome. Sometimes on your own, sometimes with outside help.
The most important thing is to tell yourself that adapting is difficult, moving is difficult, and it will take some time to get back to normal.
And this is really very important. People may start to feel guilty or think that they are somehow inadequate. It is not customary to admit this, to say that you are having a hard time or that you are feeling depressed.
There's no need to rush anywhere. Give yourself time. Look around, understand where you are, what kind of place it is. No one is demanding that you immediately make a hundred friends, start a new job, and so on.
Second, learn languages. Even if you don't manage to learn it, it will be a kind of activity, a warm-up for your brain and an opportunity to make new friends.
Then decide on your career. Figure out whether you want to work or not. If you do, where and as what, and what steps you need to take to get there. Now is the right time to figure out where to go. Stay in the same profession, develop in it, or look for another speciality. It's great when you can rely on your partner at this time.
Set yourself a goal. It doesn't have to be work or learning a language. It could be charity work, or joining or starting a club. The main thing is to find something you enjoy. This will give you a direction to move in and lead to new contacts.
Support each other with your partner. Emotional support is very important during times of uncertainty and adjustment. It is wonderful when you have the opportunity to express your feelings and receive comfort. There should be no pressure or reproach during this time. On the contrary, you need to develop empathy and emotional closeness — then everything will be fine.